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Outside the pattern set by the previous installment, this time around I took a friend, Jonny, with me. We ventured to the same shopping mall just for kicks. This posed the daunting challenge of dodging people I'd run into last month. But that's what made our trip all the more exciting.
We began, as you would guess, with the spanish persona. Jonny did not want to speak with a spanish accent in this bit, so instead he was the macadoscious. Observe. We meandered into a clothing store full, and I mean full of young ladies. Plenty of prospective victims. The plan was for Jonny to approach one of them and we would begin our charade. That was the plan. Instead, she walked up to us, as I browsed through men's hoodies (at $45.00 apiece!) and asked Jonny, "Can I help you?" Thrown off his plan of action but not at all flustered, he simply replied with "Yes. Would you happen to know where I can get some.. green sleeves?"
She could only answer with a baffled, "Ummmmmm..."
I kindly tapped her shoulder with my hand, which held a small digital camera. "No worrying. He is hitting on you," with my patented fake accent.
"Ummmmm..."
And there was an awkward pause. I looked at Jonny's face which was about to crack. If he did it would have been fine. This indeed was a funny situation.
Now, to make this situation even funnier, I don't think Jonny truly wanted to hit on this girl. She was fairly average in appearance, nothing we would have gone out of our way for. She came to us though. It's like a sheep coming to a butcher and handing him a knife.
"I suppose I could show you some green shirts that you could wear under. That would give you something..", she paused, unsure of herself. She did that weird thing girls do when they slap one hand perpendicularly into the other when nervous. I don't get that.
Now this was completely ridiculous. Honestly, does he really want green sleeves? Could it be a play on words? The song Green Sleeves.. Possibly? Well, rather than laugh at her, I decided it was an appropriate time to hold up my digital camera and say, "May I take picture?" The word picture actually pronounced peeksher.
In disbelief, for a short span of time, she gawked at me like I was crazy. "Ummmm..."
And her favorite word is? Ummmm? It was attractive. No really.
"Of me?" she asks.
Actually I was hoping for the horsehead nebula
"Yes, he wants me to take picture," I explain, pointing at Jonny, who was now falling out of character with an amused toothy smile.
"No, I don't really like guys that I don't know taking my picture," she replied, somewhat disturbed now.
Aware of her feelings on the situation, I turned to Jonny and said "Oh.. that is ok." We began walking out and just for a little added emphasis I blurted loud enough for all to hear, "Oh I am just dumb Spaniard with camera!"
We discovered very quickly that conducting experiments with more than one person is far more difficult. Both must be up to speed on the idea and people are far more intimidated by two guys acting strangely than one. We walked around the mall several times conjuring up ideas. Strange things tended to happen to us as the day went on though. Perhaps someone upstairs was playing a little officina humana of his own.
We walked past one department store which was geared toward younger ladies. In the window sat some of the most lifelike mannequins I had ever seen. I stopped for a moment at one and looked, feeling creeped out from the realism. And then..
Her eye flashed up and looked at my face and a hint of a grin started on her face. Yes, she was real. These sadistic people were using real girls as mannequins! That's insanitary! From that point on, I could not help but glare at those girls as I waltzed past. Not everybody can say that they saw a girl that looked incredibly like a real mannequin.
Then there were some inflatable UFO's floating around. That was fun. And inspirational for a soon to be Aesthetics Project.
The greatest thing that happened to us was my desparate search for a restroom. We first began in a few small stores, but all that lies in the backs of those stores are storage and management offices. Disgruntled, we moved our search over to a larger department store. I was walking upright and rigid, uncomfortable I might add. We walked at a hastened pace to the back of the department store to find a fitting room and a restroom.. a woman's restroom. Shaking our fists in the air and grunting, we ran to the nearest escalator within the same department store and let it carry us up. Ok actually I began running up it, but upon looking up, I saw that I was about to knock an elderly lady down. With her permission I would have done so, as it is an excellent past time. But I did not have her permission and so I waited behind.
And waited. She slowly stepped off the stairs. I waited.
And waited.
Yes! She's out of the way. I bolted around the side of a pillar, handing my camera to Jonny, and happened upon..
An even larger ladies' wear department. And lo, there was a fitting room, and nothing else. Completely pushed to my limits, I took a quick dash around the store discovering that men have no need to be in these stores or something. There were no restrooms. It was either that or the fact that men have it much easier as far as piddling.
Now we all know I wasn't really doing what the above image suggests. The reason I posted that?
Well, Did you laugh?
With my options running thin, we made our way out of the store and back into the mall. The place was filling up and one question remained in my mind.
Do other men ever have to piddle around here?
There were many large green doors along the hallways that appeared to be the entrance into a restroom area. But the signs read "Employees only." I began murmuring to myself repititiously "Employees only, employees only, employees only."
For a punchline to where this story leads, we came to a restaurant installed far away from the food court (Yes the food court had no restrooms. The food court!). I paid absolutely no attention to what restaurant it was, I just knew that I had to go and every restaurant had a restroom. Jonny looked up and away from the restaurant as though he were going to leave it behind and I handed him my camera again. "I gotta go man. Hold this."
His face lit up with amazement and he gestured for me to go in, almost like I was going in for my own slaughter.
Whatever.
I walked up to the front door where an attractive lady stood and I asked, "May I use your restroom?" She gestured toward it and I gave Jonny one last look before going in. He was smiling and waved me in. Alright, that's comforting. I started in.
Now, as background filler, Jonny and I are both single guys and we did happen to have our sonars on. We were watching for nice faces and.. other stuff. And unfortunately, it had been a sad day as far as finding attractive ladies went. We determined that finding an attractive girl in a mall was akin to some sort of phenomenon.
However, I did manage to have one stimulating conversation with a beautiful gal. Absolutely gorgeous.
Well, the first thing I saw as I briskly entered the restaurant.. a beautiful face turned from her table and glanced at me for just a moment.
I gotta tell Jonny about that one!
She continued past and I realized something. She was wearing some very tight shorts. Orange shorts. Just as she left my field of view, I was overrun by beautiful faces and orange shorts. They came out of one spot and just fluttered past, like a flock of scared quail or something. They must have been picking up orders, and I happened to walk right into a pack of these.. Ok.. so on with the pertinent.
I'm a good guy, honest.
The orange shorts were a dead giveaway. I'd just nonchalantly managed to walk into a "Hooter's". That was mostly disturbing in one sense. I was headed for the men's room. It wasn't going to be nice. And it wasn't. Imagine what kind of men end up going to a place like that. Typically, they are the guys that don't see much of that. I was rather timid as I walked in. I quickly took care of business and just as briskly walked out. I wish I'd kept my camera with me though. Excellent subjects.
I'm a good guy, honest.
As I walked out, I had a furrowed brow, almost upset, as I passed the hostess again. She could see that I was surprised by what I'd seen. She chuckled and said, "Have a good night bud."
I coughed, "Yea you too."
That will probably go down as the one time in my life I wished I wasn't around cute chicks.
And we left. We could walk normally again.
Well no, scratch that. I didn't walk normally again. You see, after discovering that performing these experiments was far more difficult with someone beside you, I opted to do one more solo project. It required walking very weird. Have you ever seen What's eating Gilbert Grape?
With palms upturned, my eyes wide open and a mouth slowly mumbling with occasional flickers of the tongue, I walked into another store. There was loud music and people bustling about. It was going to be difficult to manage in here, because there was so much action. Still, I hobbled aimlessly and void of any concern what people were thinking. One would not have to rest eyes on me for more than three seconds to know. I literally felt like Leonardo DiCaprio, ready to holler, "I want hot dog!"
I happened to walk past a mirror with strange metal zigzag framing and I saw just how realistic this act was. It quite scared me.
That's you man!
For some time I wandered the place finding my way to the back of the facility. I looked for a short while when an employee tapped my shoulder and asked, "Can I help you sir?"
It was a blonde, and I might have actually tried something smooth, except that I had the whole place convinced I wasn't capable of doing so. What else could I say?
"Noooooooo," I answered.
It was very long and drawn out, and after finishing the elaborate statement, I licked my lips heavily. She smiled a forced smile, and said "Well if I can help you, please let me know."
No reply at all, I just turned and looked into the back of the store again.